Here’s What We’ll Cover
If you’ve tried the usual advice . . . deep breaths, calm voice, giving them space . . . and your child’s big feelings still take over, you’re not alone. That’s why I started searching for calming strategies for kids with anxiety that actually worked in our everyday life.
Here’s what you’ll find in this post:
♥ Why standard calming strategies often don’t work for kids with anxiety.
♥ The shift that made the biggest difference for us.
♥ Gentle, realistic tools you can lean on during hard days.
♥ A free guide with 10 calming strategies to try at home.
Most mornings, I’d try all the “right” things to help my boy move past the overwhelming feelings and thoughts that put him in freeze mode. I’d ask him to take deep breaths with me. I’d keep my voice calm and try to steady my own feelings. I’d offer the “thing” that had worked the day before.
And still . . . most mornings, without fail . . . we’d be in full meltdown mode before 8am.
I used to think I was missing something. That maybe if I understood him better, if I was more consistent, or if I knew the right thing to do, he wouldn’t fall apart.
But over time, I realised it wasn’t about me finding the perfect solution. The truth was, the stock-standard calming tips just weren’t enough for him. Underneath it all, he was carrying stress and anxiety that felt completely overwhelming.
Why Calming Strategies Don’t Always Work for Kids With Anxiety
Most parenting resources say the same things: stay calm, help them breathe, give them space, hold firm boundaries. And sometimes, for some kids, those things can help.
For kids with big feelings . . . especially those living with hidden anxiety . . . the usual tips often fall flat. That’s why calming strategies for kids with anxiety need to go deeper than just ‘take a deep breath. Here’s why I’ve learned the hard way:
♥ Their nervous system is already in survival mode (what I call “red brain”). When your child is in full fight/flight/freeze, they can’t “choose” to calm down or take deep breaths. Their body has already taken over. Here’s a clear explainer on the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses if you want to dive deeper into what’s happening in those moments.
♥ Anxiety shifts daily. What worked yesterday can completely fail today. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong . . . it means anxiety doesn’t follow a straight line.
♥ There’s meaning behind the meltdown. It’s not just about the toothbrush or the school shoes. There’s usually a deeper worry or pressure hiding underneath . . . and no amount of breathing techniques or charts will make that vanish.
♥One tool is never enough. Kids with big feelings need variety. Having a few realistic strategies to rotate through gives you options when the standard advice doesn’t land.
After years of trying to figure it out . . . and spending money on counsellors and psychologists . . . I realised there’s no one perfect fix. What we were dealing with was more than just a “dysregulated child.”
Instead, I needed to do deeper work and build a small set of simple tools I could return to again and again. Tools that steadied both of us, even when his anxiety looked completely different from one day to the next.
What Actually Helps (The Big Shift for Me)
If the usual advice hasn’t worked for you either, you’re not alone . . . and you’re not failing. Some kids just need more: more options, more flexibility, more support. That doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. It means you need strategies that are built for your child.
One of the biggest shifts for me was realising that meltdowns aren’t just “bad behaviour.” They’re often my son’s body releasing the stress and anxiety he’s been carrying all day.
For example, he recently spent four days at a golf program . . . something he loves. But hours of intensity and noisy kids drained him. On day two and three, the meltdowns came later in the evening. One started over something small: forgetting to put cheese on his pizza before putting it in the oven.
In the past, I might have reacted with frustration. But this time, I wasn’t surprised. I could see it wasn’t about the pizza. It was the build-up of stress from the whole day spilling over. Knowing that helped me respond with calm and sympathy instead of adding more pressure.
Finding Their Safe Space
Sometimes that release happens in my son’s room . . . his safe space. Yes, there are holes in the walls, and it’s not always pretty. But I’ve learned not to care about that as much anymore. It’s the one place he doesn’t have to keep it all together. He can expend that energy, and when he’s ready, he comes back out.
I don’t push him. I’ll knock gently and ask if I can come in, but if the answer is “no,” that’s okay. I just remind him: “I’m here when you’re ready.”
On pizza night, when he melted down after forgetting the cheese, I calmly told him it was an easy mistake . . . I’d fixed it and put the pizza back in the oven. “When you’re ready, it’s waiting for you.” No pressure, no extra shame, just safety to return when he could.
Sure, the destroyed room gets to me sometimes. One day I’ll patch the walls and repaint. But for now, what matters is that he has a space to let it all out . . . without the extra burden of holding it together or toning down his reactions.
The Shifts That Made a Difference
♥ Seeing meltdowns as release, not bad behaviour. They’re often the body’s way of letting out what’s been carried inside.
♥Looking at the bigger picture. Instead of only reacting to the trigger in front of me, I think about the stress my child’s been holding . . . or the things he might already be overthinking about what’s coming next.
♥Responding with compassion. When I expect meltdowns as part of the cycle, I can meet them with more calm and compassion . . . because I know they’re not random, and not just about “not getting his way.”
This reframing didn’t make the meltdowns vanish, but it changed how I approached them. And sometimes, that shift in me is what helps him most.
“That’s also why I pulled together a free guide with 10 calming strategies for kids with anxiety and big feelings. Because even with this mindset shift, you still need practical tools you can lean on in the moment.
Before You Go, Remember This
Parenting a child with anxiety and big feelings isn’t about a magic fix . . . it’s about finding gentle tools and calming strategies for kids with anxiety that truly help on the hardest days. You’re not failing. These moments don’t mean you’re doing it wrong, or that you’re being too soft. They’re simply part of raising a child whose world feels extra big and heavy sometimes.
With the right tools and perspective, the hard days don’t disappear . . . but they do get lighter. And every time you show up with calm and care, you’re giving your child exactly what they need most: you.
It’s not easy work, but the fact you’re here reading this shows the courage and love you already bring every day.
If mornings are just one piece of the puzzle, you might like my post on how we’re handling school avoidance day to day.