I was writing in my journal this morning and decided to look back a few pages. It was really interesting reading what was going through my head a few months ago. And as I was reading, I thought to myself, ‘This could really help other depressed mum’s to know they’re not alone in their feelings!’
Yes it’s putting myself out there . . . it may make me vulnerable. But if my thoughts, and mental chatter, gets just one other mum, or person, saying, “I thought it was just me that felt like this!”, then it makes is all worthwhile. Right?!
So here goes . . . some unedited journal entries from earlier this year.
Monday 11 July 2016
Having a downer day today!
The ‘crazy pills’ are giving me insomnia and nausea. I’ve switched to morning for taking the tablets so hopefully I start to sleep and feel better.
I’m behind on work and today the internet dies. Could take up to 3 days to get fixed. How am I supposed to get work done?
In this mind frame, I wish I could/would just give up. Actually no . . . I wish I could put my life on hold until I get my mental shit sorted.
I don’t feel inclined to work. I want to just run away from it all.
But what would I do? Go for walks, exercise, read, cook, make stuff, do more things with the boys.
I don’t know what to do really. I want to just hide from the world. Particularly my work world.
Tuesday 12 July 2016
I am in a bad space today!
I feel like I’m drowning in work and other commitments. I can’t keep my head above water.
I talked to My Silver Fox about it and he suggests I take a break. Like a whole month to focus on myself.
There’s just so much going on in my head. I want it to stop . . . just for a bit!
And then the internet isn’t working so that’s slowing me down.
I’m done! But then I think, ‘I’ve come this far. I’ll lose everything I’ve achieved. I’m not a quiter!” But what I’m doing isn’t working . . . I’m not happy.
My Silver Fox said to put the boys in daycare an extra day so that we have the weekends together. Make that quality time together.
So much to do! Stop saying ‘yes’ to more.
Wednesday 13 July 2016
I feel even worse today. What’s going on? Why am I so down and unhappy?
Because I feel like a failure in my work.
Because I haven’t exercised in months.
Because I’m letting people down.
Because I’m not living up to my own expectations.
Because I don’t know what I want to do with my life.
Because I don’t know what makes me happy.
Because I want to not feel like this. It isn’t me!
I want this cloud/fog to go away. What can I do to help it go away?
I seriously just want to go and hide somewhere for awhile, and just watch TV . . . to escape my reality and shut my thoughts up for awhile.
It’s feeling a bit exhausting being me and in my head.
Tuesday 19 July 2016
What am I doing with my life?
I am not good today!
Clients chasing me. Feeling the pressure of having to do stuff for other people . . . I just want to run away. I want to do nothing. I want it all to stop.
I’m not coping. The pills aren’t making me feel any better.
I don’t want this anymore.
I want to exercise and feel good about myself. I want to do things that fulfill me. I’m not 100% sure what they are but it’s obviously nothing I’m doing these days.
I don’t know what to do.
Wednesday 3 August 2016
Today I feel like a failure!
My pills screwed me yesterday. Being awake at 3am then Monkey Man refusing to go to daycare . . .
So I did NOTHING except have a sleep. And so today I’m in failure mode.
I have a million things to do today. I’m not going to get everything done . . . all the emails, the phone messages, the work that needs doing.
And Rascal gets his grommets tomorrow so that will mean a day off work. Then next week we go on holiday. FUCK!
Seriously, is my depression all about the million things I need and want to do?
Or maybe it’s the fact I don’t get many enjoyable or fulfilling moments. I’m stuck doing stuff for other people, doing stuff I don’t want to do.
Friday 19 August 2016
WTF is wrong with me?!
Today has been crappy. I’ve been agro, irritable, short tempered, tired, foggy . . .
It frustrates the hell out of My Silver Fox and I tell him, “I have no idea why I’m feeling like this. There’s nothing obvious that has happened. I’ve taken my pill!”
And I was angry at myself for feeling like this . . . like it’s a waste of a day.
So as frustrating as it is for My Silver Fox, it’s more so for me.
And the boys notice and try to do things to make me happy.
Saturday 20 August 2016
I’m feeling better this morning. Let’s see how the day plays out.
Had a sleeping pill last night but was awake at 2am, then 4am, then 5.45am. Weird!
Anyway, I hope things start to even out soon. One of the first thing’s My Silver Fox asked me this morning was, “How are you today?”
I feel for him . . . everyday a lucky dip as to how I’m going to be feeling. But it feels like that for me too.
I wonder what I’ll get from counselling? Will they help me to figure out why I’m feeling like this? Will they give me ways to ‘soften’ it?
Maybe I have all the answers?
Me time. Quiet time. Saying no. Not having unrealistic to-do lists. Slowing down. Decluttering. Making stuff. Having routine. Exercise.
Tuesday 6 September 2016
Today I feel like crap. Foggy!
No idea what the ‘trigger’ is today.
Had a sleeping pill last night and had a decent sleep.
Upped my dosage to two crazy pills a day.
But literally woke thinking, ‘Today is going to be a bad day!’
It’s definitely in the front of my head – in my brow. A heaviness.
It sucks. I just want to be fixed.
It’s not all bad
So there you have it . . . a snapshot of my diary as a depressed mum! But I want you to know there is some good stuff in there too.
On Tuesday 2 August 2016 I wrote:
I think I’ve just had an epiphany! Is that what you call it . . . a moment when you’ve discovered what you should be doing with your life?
I’m lying here at 3am, with one eye closed with conjunctivitis, awake because of my crazy pills, and I’ve decided that writing a blog is the answer to all my problems.
It took me another four months to actually start this blog for depressed mum’s but I truly think it’s what I should be doing . . . right now anyway.
Until next time, take care!