Mate . . . this past week of having the puppies has been exhausting! I’ve realised that the feeling of responsibility for others ‘stops me in my tracks’ AND the hyper vigilance I experience while caring for them and others is kinda debilitating.
Seriously, all my thoughts and energy goes into making sure they are safe, loved, cared for, all needs met etc . . . at the cost of my own joy and satisfaction. Big f*cking AHA moment right there!
Before you read on, it’s a long one! You know I struggle with the small talk and surface level convo’s . . . and turns out I struggle with writing short depthless posts too 😆
Side note: Last year I was ‘diagnosed’ with a few mental health issues . . . GOSH, it feels so yucky saying it like that aye?! We really need to work on de-stigmatising mental health conditions. Am I right?! 🙌 . . . and I discovered I not only have depression that I knew about, I also have (for lack of a better word) anxiety and PTSD from a shit tonne of trauma. So when I talk about hyper vigilance, you know it’s not your everyday overthinking things! It can be paralysing for me.
Anyhoo, as you probably know already, I’m an ‘all or nothing’ kinda girl and I’m sure I’ve said this to you before, I take things seriously!
For example, like with my lil cookie business (which I’ll share more about later). I test MANY recipes to get to the near-perfect cookie. Nothings perfect but I’ll try to get close 😉. I have some of my fav and honest people taste all the test batches to help me narrow it down to THE BEST cookie. And if I don’t enjoy the process of a particular recipe, if it doesn’t look great and the taste and quality isn’t ‘up there’, then it doesn’t make the cut. Even if it makes sense to the theme of the cookie box. I clearly remember telling one of my cookie-testers one day, “Didn’t you know? I take cookie making VERY seriously!” 😆
When I commit to something, I’m serious about it! I’m sure you’ve noticed.😆 For me that means I give it my all and do my best. No half assing or cutting corners. It’s like there’s precision involved when I’m ‘being’ serious. And maybe serious isn’t the right word?! Maybe the word is committed and it’s a commitment to excellence. It’s either great or not acceptable.
Gosh, reflecting on this I realise I set VERY high expectations for myself . . . which I kinda knew already but reading this back, it’s hitting home. And I think that’s why it’s important, and I’m consciously trying, to only commit to things that light me up, feel expansive or energise me. Cos otherwise there’s a whole lotta frustrated energy and inevitability that I’ll be left feeling resentful and unsatisfied.
On the flip side, I feel I also don’t commit to things because of my self imposed high expectations and not wanting to fail, or not meet those expectations 😳 Yip, therapy still required 😉
Also, I realise this feeling is familiar and that I’ve been like this while raising my boys (without knowing I had anxiety and PTSD)! No wonder I’m exhausted most of the time. Hyper vigilance sucks the life out of me! Does it do the same to you?
But what’s great about ‘reflection’ is, I get to choose to do things differently. I get to choose to feel differently. I get to choose to give my all to others at the cost of myself OR NOT.
And with the self-healing I’ve been doing this past year, I know what the right choices for me are and what needs to be done to get me back on the right track! Sometimes it just takes me a hot minute to pause, reflect then reorientate 😜
So I’m telling myself: I can be the ‘all or nothing’ girl but how about I be that for myself? I can be the ‘serious’ girl but how about without the high expectations? I can care about my boys and our puppies but how about once my needs are met first? 🤯
I share all this because I know you get me and I know you go through some of the same stuff. And I know sometimes it helps to see life from someone else’s perspective . . . who’s also on the path to self-healing 🥰
I know we’re in this together! It’s f*cking hard work but the rebirth is, and will be, beautiful my friend 😍
