Lockdown Feels

by Renee Greenland

Imagine we’re sitting round the ‘virtual’ campfire right now sharing stories of our Lockdown experiences. I don’t know about you but I’d have to say that not too much has changed for me. Pretty bloody boring really.

I find myself telling people that it feels like I got a head start on all this Lockdown craziness by moving out of the big city to a little coastal town four months ago.

✔️ We moved to a small town where we knew no one. Perfect for social isolation.

✔️ The closest supermarket is a 30 minute drive each way, across picturesque countryside, so I was going weekly anyways. Perfect for social isolation.

✔️ Summer/school holidays for the boys was 8 weeks long so we’re used to being with each other 24/7. Perfect for social isolation.

✔️ I’ve worked from home for the last 14 years. Perfect for social isolation.

Other than that, it pretty much feels like life as usual for us.

And to be honest, I love having the excuse to hermit away. Being a hermit is a natural tendency of mine and now I can do it without the guilt.

With all that being said, it doesn’t mean I’m not finding this whole situation challenging.

  • I still feel guilty for the amount of time the boys spend on devices. I’m starting to care less though.
  • I still feel like I could be a better mum.
  • I still have to cook/prepare 90% of the meals and resent the fact.
  • I still have to make sure the kids are supported and safe.
  • I still feel like I don’t make time for me and what I want.
  • I still have two little people yelling ‘Muummmm?!’ all the time.
  • I still feel like I could be doing more even though I do a shit tonne everyday.
  • We’re still experiencing a drought so I’m showering every other day. TMI?!

Funny thing is, heading into the Lockdown I felt good. I felt in control of things.

A few of my super skills are organisation and preparedness so I was ‘on fire’ making sure we had what we needed to get through the next few weeks.

The pantry, fridge and freezer were stocked. My DIY cleaning supplies had arrived. The boys had craft supplies, sporting equipment, LEGO, puzzles, books etc. We were good to go!

Then day one of Lockdown arrives and the feelings hit me. HARD.

The reality of the situation finally sunk in and I felt TRAPPED. Like I’d lost control of my life.

Weird the difference a day makes!

These feelings may seem extreme for some but freedom is what I value most and it feels as though this lockdown has taken that away from me.

  • Freedom to come and go as I please.
  • Freedom to do my own thing in a quiet space.
  • Freedom to jump in the car and go for a drive when I need a Time Out from the house or being Mum.
  • Ultimately, feeling the loss of freedom to decide for myself what I can and can’t do, and when I can and can’t do it.

In the big scheme of things, it seems so slight.

I haven’t really lost my freedom, well not completely. There are just limits to the amount of freedom I can have right now.

But that’s enough for me to feel like I no longer have control of my life. Something or someone has decided this for me and I’m struggling with that.

I’ve always had issues with ‘authority’ and being told what to do. This is not a new feeling for me LOL.

I know this Lockdown is for the good of everybody and I’m sticking to the rules because I want this feeling of lost freedom to be gone sooner rather than later. It’s not an easy feeling for me to sit with. There’s a lesson in that right there!

But that doesn’t mean my feelings aren’t valid and that I should discount them because ”we’re all in this together’. FYI, this is me giving myself some kind advice.

I know I’m not the only one feeling this way right now and so I wanted you to know that you’re not the only one feeling this way either. You’re not alone . . . just isolated.

Yes “we’re all in this together” but it doesn’t make our feelings any easier to sit with.

Just know that it’s okay to feel this way. This whole situation is surreal and normal doesn’t exist right now.

Please be kind to yourself, especially where your feelings are concerned. I’m trying to do the same and at the moment, it takes daily reminders.

I’m looking forward to the time when I can have Me Time to do what I want, when I want and with no one else to consider. For me, the constantness of being Mum is exhausting and heightened right now.

I’m curious . . . how will you celebrate having your freedom back once this Lockdown is over?

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